At some point, when it’s all over, I will do an informative blog post about what happened and what to expect if you miscarry at this stage. At the moment, though, I’m 8 days in and it’s still happening. I think it has begun to tail off a bit… But then again, I thought that yesterday and then went and dropped Squidge off at nursery and had a blood-loss catastrophe that went through my night-time pad, trousers, towel I had put down to protect the car seat, and of course wrecked the car seat.
Should’ve sat on a bin bag. I see this in hindsight.
Anyway, thank the stars, I had a long coat with me, so was able to dash into the supermarket and load a basket with maternity pads, night-time pads, pregnancy tests (for checking that the pregnancy hormones are going down as they should), and a five-pack of jam doughnuts. Bless the lady on the till, who looked at this frankly weird array of items on the conveyor belt and said nothing.
Obviously bleeding copiously through several layers of fabric is not ideal. However, I do generally feel that I’m coping pretty well. You know, I went to that concert on my own, and I went to the aftershow party, and also I cooked dinner for seven people the other day after spending half the afternoon losing loads of blood and oogly looking tissue (don’t worry hygiene fans, I did wash my hands thoroughly before getting to that veg prep). Mind you, I do realise that I am lucky in that I’m not finding it particularly painful, and that so far there don’t seem to have been any complications.
I’m also lucky that I don’t feel too sad – somehow, I have accepted it and I am completely okay with it. I don’t know if this is my body’s self-defence mechanisms kicking in and detaching me from the experience so that I don’t totally crumble… But I don’t think that’s the case. I think that I have just genuinely got it all in good perspective. Firstly, and most importantly by a country mile, I’m already a mum, to a lovely little boy – lucky, lucky me! Secondly, I know I can get pregnant, and quickly at that, so this is very unlikely to have been my last pregnancy. Thirdly, I know of a lot of people to whom some horrendously crappy things have happened around babies, and none of those things are what is happening to me right now. Fourthly, there was clearly something wrong with the baby which has caused a spontaneous miscarriage, so that trite little phrase ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ truly does apply.
Also – and these might sound like awful things to say, but I’m thinking them, so I’m going to say them anyway – we have some renovation work happening on the house and it would be much less stressful to have a newborn after it is completed rather than in the middle of it all; and I am working on a novel and this will mean I have at least a few months more to finish it. OBVIOUSLY I would rather we had had a lovely healthy little baby in November, regardless of unfinished kitchens and unfinished novels, but that’s sadly not going to be the case, so I am searching for every shred of silver lining in this little cloud.
I feel so grateful for my gorgeous supportive friends who have all called and texted regularly the last few days to check in on me, my loving little boy who came and gave me kisses this morning when I was having bad cramps and had to lie down, and my husband, with whom I hope to make another beautiful baby before too long. And in a weird way, I’m grateful to be having the experience of miscarrying, because now I might be in a position to support other women I know who this might happen to in the future, and it also has made me sharply aware of what a bloody marvellous gift my son is. I’m sort of embracing the miscarriage. It’s working for me.